Experiences- National Infertility Week

 This week I head to the Texas Library Association Conference which I am SUPER excited about! Number 22 on my #50by50 list is to present at this conference!  I made this #50by50 list so I could document the experiences I wanted to have and goals for myself.

This week is also National Infertility Week. You can find more information here.  I think the last time I shared my story was in 2019. You can find that blog here with all the different links to previous blogs.  As always, I write these blogs to share my own journey to where I am and what it looks like. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) When my husband and I first got married we tried to start our family. I have shed SO many tears over so much heartache.  I have often felt betrayed by my own body for why it can not do the things that I feel it should do.  We spent thousands of dollars and did lots of treatments and lots of medication.  We never got to the IVF stage, because that was not in our journey. We have now been married for almost 17 years and as I have grown older (and hopefully wiser) I realize one of the biggest things I was worried about was experiences.

These last two weeks have really helped me reflect on why I wanted kids.  I wanted kids to be able to grow into contributing members of society.  I wanted kids to be able to go to band concerts, choir concerts, athletic games, or anything that they wanted to be a part of.  I wanted to be able to listen to what they were going through and help them grow through it. I wanted to see them dressed in matching PJs at Christmas. I wanted to be able to travel with them and go on adventures. I wanted to be able to have a group of moms where all of our kids hung out together. This list could go On and On.  

But, as I was reflecting on the many reasons I wanted kids, I realized I just kept going on the experiences that I wanted. Sometimes, something is staring you right in the face.  I know that I won't have the experiences as an official "mom" or "parent" but I have been able to have experiences because of the activities that I attend at school- I go to the games- I go to the concerts- I want those kids to see me the stands and know that I am supporting them.  I am  able to have experiences because of traveling and watching kids grow through my Destination ImagiNation teams (did I mention that they are going to Globals)

But- most of my experiences have come through my Girl Scout Troops.  Girl Scouts is so important to me to help girls grow- but my two troops are a whole different level. 

This is only a small portion of my troop, but because of these amazing young women and their families- I am able to get the experiences I might not have had otherwise.  I have had the chance to watch them grow (some I have been hanging out with since they were in kindergarten and now they are 5th and 6th graders).  I have had experiences of dressing in matching clothes (I mean check out this pic) I have had SO many adventures with them (and we have even more adventures coming up like heading to Canyon, Texas.. and New York!)  Not only am I able to have experiences with these girls, I have also found a place with moms.  Instead of a #momsquad we call ourselves the groupies.  They don't look at me any different because I do not have a daughter of my own but trust me enough to help them become strong women in society (these girls are going to change the world)

There are times when I cry because I know that there won't be a child in my house that I can tuck in at night or one that officially calls me mom.  There will be some experiences that I won't be able to have.  But, there are oh so many experiences I am able to have because of the people I surround myself with.

I end with this- if you too are suffering from infertility- know that your journey will be filled with so many experiences- surround yourself with people that support you for who you are. I am SO happy for all the parents that are able to have children of their own, adopt, foster.. or have families in any way that they can.  I too have my sad times where I think of the things I will not have (I am human)

Thank you to those that are on my journey and allow me to have experiences that I might not be able to have otherwise. 

National Infertility Week- SEEK

April has been one of the best months this year, but by far the busiest as well!
-Attended the Texas Librarian Association Conference in Dallas where I also presented at poster session and was on a panel session.
-Took a Destination ImagiNation team to State! So proud of the Nerdy Birdys!
-Took my Girl Scout Troop on their first real camping trip! We were missing a few girls, but it was still an awesome weekend and I can't wait to camp more!
-Hosted the first Uke Can Do It Performance with the ukulele club.
-Attended and volunteered at the North Texas Teen Book Festival.

My word this year is Seek.  I wrote about it here and I talked about seeking time for myself and doing the things that I enjoy doing. Now, April was a busy month.. and I was probably cranky.. but it was so awesome!

During a week in April is also National Infertility Week.  I blog about our trials every year and you can find past blogs here, here, and here.

When my husband and I married in 2005, I knew that we might have problems starting a family.  I have PCOS, and my husband is older.  When you are on a infertility journey it is not just about one person... and it is not just about bodily functions.  An infertility journey can easily encompass your whole life and being.  We went to doctors, I took medicine, gave myself shots, and went to more doctors.  During all of the years of trying, I would watch my friends get pregnant and start their own families and be heartbroken.  Not because I was upset that they had started their own family, but because I didn't ever know if I was going to have the chance for my own family. 

We have not been actively trying for over 2 years.  I won't lie, mother's day is rough.  I go through other down times (I am a human)  In keeping my word of the year in mind, I have really worked hard at SEEKing things that make me happy.  That is why my April was so full.

Not only was April full, but it was full of finding my own fulfillment and happiness. 

Although I will never be biological mother.. I have to take a moment to share about my Girl Scout Troop.  3 years ago, I became a leader to a 3rd generation Girl Scout Troop.  My girls started out as Daisies and they are currently Brownies.

I am so very grateful that these moms have trusted me in leading these girls.  I can't even begin to explain how happy they make my heart (even if sometimes our meetings get a little loud)  I share this on my infertility blog, for many reasons.  My journey has not taken me on the path that I thought it would.  Camping this week was something that I thought I would have done with my own child.  If life had gone as I had planned (which you know it is not supposed to!) I would have had a child about the age of these girls.  I LOVED camping with them so much and having those experiences with them.  From hiking to campfires to singing songs... this troop is such a big part of my life.  I won't lie.. there were a few times that I had to take a few deep breaths when I thought about that it was not my own child having these experiences.  This Girl Scout Troop is allowing me to directly work with a group of girls that I already see growing into strong young women.  They started in kindergarten and are already in 2nd and 3rd grade!

For all of those out there on an infertility journey.. I know it isn't easy, I know there are going to be times where you just want to break down and cry, and I know that there are times when you smile ear to ear and your heart is happy because you are creating your own path.  I am thankful that I have surrounded myself with a wonderful loving husband that understands that I need to find a way to be involved with experiences that will give me fulfillment.  I am surrounded with amazing families that have allowed me into their lives not only in Girl Scouts but with all the school families. I have also surrounded myself with amazing friends who are always willing to listen. I also have learned to give myself some slack to grieve when I need to. 

Whatever journey you are on, remember.. you are not lost.. you are just seeking your own fulfillment. To those that have not had to worry about infertility, you have probably come in contact with someone who has.  Give them an extra smile or a hug if you can, it can be rough.

Thank you to all that have made my own infertility journey better by allowing me to be a part of your lives.

National Infertility Awareness Week- You are Not Alone

Last week I wrote about Strength.
Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  You can find more about it here.

I have written before about my infertility journey before- you can find it here.

I do have another blog that is more for health and wellness, but this is such a part of who I am.

Here is my disclaimer: I am SUPER happy for all the families out there.  I am blessed to know so many wonderful families.  I am happy where I am.. and who I am.  That does not mean it is not hard to be happy when sometimes sad.

But this blog is more of reminding people that they are not alone.

This past year I went to my annual well woman visit at a doctor that I have been visiting for almost 7 years.  We have discussed my infertility in the past, but more importantly.. my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) But at this point in my life.. my well woman visit was more of how I am trying to change my eating habits, using oils to be more calm and centered, and the other things I was doing.  

-You are not alone- your infertility hopes can easily change knowing your financial limits 

During my well woman visit I had the conversation of where I was going next in my infertility journey. Now, remember I had said that I had been with this doctor for almost 7 years.  During this 7 years he had recommended me seeing a true infertility specialist. I had spent thousands of dollars for medications, shots, procedures. But our time for this whole journey is not for right now.  We discussed that when I was ready to really start trying again that it would be when I had my weight better under control and would try some new medication other than clomid.

-You are not alone- know that your journey is your journey and although the time limit might not be on the timeline that you expected- strength will get you through.

So, my well woman visit finished and I went about my way.. walking past all of the young and old mothers in the waiting room.  Wondering when my time might be to sit in the waiting room with a round belly. 

My whole visit- the regular well woman visit, a few questions about my PCOS, and where I was going next- all reasonable questions so I thought.

-You are not alone- having your doctor know all of your inner secrets, wants and needs is a normal procedure

I recently contacted my OB because of a charge that I had.  It was only for $26, but it was for my last well woman visit.  The well woman visit that is covered by my insurance.  After being on the phone for about an hour with 2 different nurses and billing.  I discovered that my OB had coded me extra for my PCOS and also for having longer than a 15 minute conversation.  The $26 was not going to break the bank.  It was the principal of the matter.  The doctor that I had spent 7 years with, had shared my secrets and longings had charged me extra for asking questions.  That $26 hurt my heart.

-You are not alone-

I will not be returning to that doctor or practice. 

-You are not alone- your journey will take you to many doctors some who have your best interest and some who do not.

I have been so very blessed to be a part of so many wonderful lives. I have families that I am close to and have had a chance to watch their children grow and be a part of their families.  I have had many wonderful students that their parents have opened their hearts and arms to me. I am constantly surrounded by amazing people that support me and love me for who I am.  I also wouldn't change all of the adventures, journeys and lives I have had a chance to be a part of.

-You are not alone- there are people that surround you both young and old to help you make it through whatever journey you might be on.

National Infertility Awareness Week 2014

I know I have been absent in blogging lately.  It is testing season at school and my to do list is huge... but I haven't been the most productive!

Hubby and I did have a chance to visit the bluebonnets (was a little sad that we are missing Wolfgang, but I know that he is watching down from doggy Heaven)

This week, however, marks National Infertility Awareness Week.  I know that I use this blog for educational thoughts, but I wanted to share a more personal note to help raise awareness.  Much like with my weight loss blogs I have posted, I want to start off with I am VERY happy with who I am and where I stand in life. I am also VERY happy for all my friends that have their own families (now.. in reality.. I do have some sad times.. but I am allowed those, right?)  

When I was in my late teens/early 20's I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) Feel free to read up on it, I won't go into all the details... other than it affects my sugars (which makes it hard to lose weight) and affects my hormones which makes it hard to become pregnant.  My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years (I can't believe that this summer is 9 years!) and for 8 of those we have tried to start a family off and on.  Our trials have been through trials of Clomid, injections, weight loss, and tears of feeling like less of a woman because I can not have children easily.  We have spent thousands of dollars to try to start our little family.  This last summer, because of my weight loss, I finally had some progress with the Clomid medication, but when the 3rd month came around... it was no longer showing that it was being effective.  I am grateful for the friends that understand this hard journey... because honestly I do judge myself often.  

You can find more information on this infographic here http://www.mahercomm.com/mmc-merck-women-talking-infertility-conversation-campaign/

Looking for information on National Infertility Week? Check this website out.

I have 2 favorite videos when talking about infertility: What If (and I ask myself this often, there are so many What If questions when thinking about starting a family)

On a final note.. wherever my children might come from, I know that I have had the opportunity to work with some amazing children over my career. I might not be a true mother, but I do know the love of a child.  Take heart to those that struggle to start a family.